Best Christmas Movies Ever

1. Die Hard
Best Christmas movie ever. If you doubt this fact, go watch the movie again.

2. Scrooged
"Did you try staples?"

3. Home Alone
Enough time has passed for everyone to get off the "F Home Alone" train. I mean, come on, John Candy is the Polka King.

4. Christmas Vacation
Sure Chevy Chase is in it, but its the good kind of Chevy.

5. Muppet Christmas Carol
Its got the Muppets.

honorable mention: Ernest Saves Christmas
Yes it is Ernest, yes it is zany, but the special effects are off the hook.

Old Ladies Gettin' Crunk

So I saw an old lady buyin' up about 4 tall boys down at the store. I was like more power to ya lady, gots to keep it real.

But what do little old ladies do when they are two sheets to the wind? Are the shows "Law and Order" or "Murder She Wrote" now off the hook? Do they comment that they would "so do" Alex Trebek or Walker Texas Ranger?

I'm just getting at the fact that older people have less inhibitions. They have earned that right. But what happens when someone with lower inhibitions get even lower inhibitions. Do they start to chochet swear words into sweaters? Start fights at basketball games?

Santa Would Never Attach A Turkey

Turkey is pretty good eatin' in this blog's opinion. A big old drumstick in one hand, and a handful of stuffing in the other. Caveman style.

But would Santa eat turkey? Living at the North Pole would probably warrant a diet rich in seafood and polar bear. Sure, turkey's can be frozen, but I don't know if it would be financially viable to haul turkeys up north. Now goose, I can see a goose cause the live further north.

Then the debate opens up if Santa would eat any poultry at all. He seems to be a red meat (caribou) type of guy. Probably lots of seal fat too. I don't see many vegetables in his diet.

Which leads me to the thought that maybe Santa should go vegetarian for a while, you, expand his horizons and such. Just a thought.

Thanksgiving Monkey Fight

Thanksgiving day... there is a parade for the kids.  Huge, cool balloon cartoon characters floating down the street.

This is established.  No problem.  In the afternoon the adults get some football.

But really, shouldn't there be like a 11 pm Monkey Knife Fight on tv for the adults to watch as they finish off the 4th piece of pumpkin pie and open that last bottle of wine?

Two monkey's enter, one monkey leaves.  Like a monkey Thunderdome, but not so brutal.

Bruce Lee vs. Bigfoot

So who would win in hand to hand combat, Bruce Lee or Bigfoot?

Bruce Lee would have many years of martial arts training under his belt

Bigfood would have years of fighting bears and mountain lions under his belt


It would be close, but I think Bruce Lee would have the edge because of his speed.

10 Things Every American Should Do Before They Die

1. Watch the movie Die Hard (bonus points if you watch all 4)

2. At some point in your life, live in a trailer home or visit someone liking in a trailer home

3. Buy something off of eBay (bonus points if you then sell it on eBay for more, making a profit)

4. See the Grand Canyon (bonus points if you fall into the canyon, making this the last thing you ever do)

5. Drink Mt. Dew at least once

6. Decide who is the best James Bond (bonus points if it is Sean Connery)

7. See some make a wood carving with a chainsaw

8. Attend at either a rodeo or a pro wrestling event (bonus points if a wrestler is dressed a cowboy)

9. Make a little kid or old person laugh

10.  Do something important enough for the FBI to start a file on you

Things Today's Kids Will Never Know The Wonders Of

Rambo II
Crystal Pepsi
the New Coke
Cookie Crisp Cop
Walkmans with auto reverse
Teen Wolf, the movie and Saturday morning cartoon
the knowledge that He-Man and Skeletor's swords fit together
hoverboards
yo quiero Taco Bell
The Carebears movie on Betamax


Sure, they can go back and watch some of the movies, but it isn't the same. They will be remembering the great of their time: Elektra, Princess Diarys, and Hannah Montana.

Bacon Dipped In Butter

So the though is that our caveman forefathers would be hunting deer because they craved the meat and the protein. They would pick fruit because it tastes good, oh and it was full of nutrients. They didn't eat some berries because they were bitter and made you dead.

So if something tastes good, it must be good for you. Sure, we have to use caveman like moderation (they were also very conservative politically).

What about bacon? Bacon tastes good, pork chops taste good. And butter, that also tastes good. You wrap a piece of meat with bacon, and it is instantly better. You cook that in a butter sauce, and bam it tastes great.

The point? Eat more bacon and butter. But make sure you chase down a sabertooth tiger for lunch.

Apples Give You Cancer

In theory, if you eat enough apples, you can get cancer, right? The pestisides alone with do it.

If you eat enough apple seeds, you can experience the wild trip known as cyanosis.

And that is how the government controls your mind kids.

You Too Can Be Spiderman

Is there actually any possiblility that a spider can become radioactive. Then that spider can get loose. Then that spider could bite you. Then the powers of the spider transfer to you, making you Spider Man. What are the odds? like 1 billion to 1?



I like to live in a world where this senario actually has a chance. And if it is 1 billion to 1, there are at least 6 Spider-Men or Spider-Women in the world right now. And that is pretty cool.



Do you think they fight each other in a Highlander type of powder struggle? There can be only one?



I hope it is a Japanese Spider-Man that wins, cause then Spider-Man could have ninja training.

Ninja Spider-Man.... that's the world I live in. And it is pretty sweet.

WWTJD?

What would Thomas Jefferson do? If he lived right now, what whould he be doing? Pretty smart guy, inventor, founding father, farmer, political guru.

I think he would working on CSPAN or something low key. I think would publish books on how American is awesome. But if he lived today, would he be aware that he was the same person as the Thomas Jefferson of days past? If he did, then that would be like Highlander 2 when Sean Connary comes back to life.

Thomas Jefferson, there can be only one.

Happy Birthday America

Get your sparklers and illegal fireworks, it's the 4th.

Because in reality, it ain't illegal unless you get caught. So just blame any fires on your hillbilly neighbor.

Lady Liberty Loves You!

Natural Cheetos

It should be illegal to use the words "Natural" and "Cheetos" in the same sentience.

Underdog Movie

Has the world become so backward that we need to make a live action Underdog movie?

There was a reason they animated the original Underdog cartoon. Real dogs don't fly. Real dogs don't talk. So you animate the dog.

Do you really need to CGI a real dog into flying?

Its a bird. Its a plane. Its a FROG.

Coffee

If something is as good as coffee, shouldn't it be free? It comes from the Earth. By drinking it you take in the life force of Mother Earth.

But no, the fat cats in Washington make you pay $8/ pound at the store.

Enter your PIN Number at the ATM Machine

Subway, I know you want to help me reward myself for eating food. I thank you for the Subway Rewards Card.

But why oh why do you have to go and put on your card "YOUR PIN NUMBER".

PIN= Personal Identification Number

At least I can get a combo for $5 dollars.